Insert SCREAM Here!

Three days ago I bought a plane ticket to Hawaii!!!! I've always wanted to go so I guess you could say I jumped on this opportunity. I'm going there to allow my body to heal and hopefully get rid of the migraines. It's been 10 months now with a minimum of 4 a week. Although we're such constant companions, the migraine and I, that I feel like we're married,I'm not trying to make it to our paper anniversary here. I've asked for a trial separation but the migraine is contesting the divorce from it that I so desperately need. I'm hoping this place will facilitate healthy eating, peaceful surroundings and deep meditation.

So, I'm blogging about my journey on myadventuresintheraw.blogspot.com. I know...another blog, but I like to separate my writing into tangents uh...I mean topics. Probably should have posted this on Surviving Migraines but it's almost 2 am, I'm under the influence of mind altering migraine meds and I cannot be held responsible for my actions. This blog then will continue to be the one on which to cathartically purge my soul, all a part of the healing process.

Adios, A'dieu...Goodbye

No, this isn't my last post ;-) I recently had a discussion with a dear friend of mine about saying goodbye when someone leaves or even when ending a phone call. Having not too long ago had a conversation with my family about using the "F" word, I remember telling them that words only have the power we give them. So, I wondered about the word goodbye and what it originally meant compared to how we perceive its meaning today.

In Spanish class I recall discovering that "adios" means literally "to God". That prompted me to look up the literal translation of a French farewell word...adieu. It was exactly as I suspected "to God". When I looked up the entomology of goodbye I found that is was originally "God be with ye". So if we contract it by taking out letters between the b and the y we get God b'ye. And...our word good was derived from God so there ya' have it. Goodbye literally means "God be with you", not only in English but Spanish, French and I would suspect many other languages. As a matter of fact even the word "farewell" leaves us departing with good tidings.

So, 'til next time...God be with you!

The man who steals my heart
Will not accept my precious emotional nature
He will embrace it
And know that it is the perfect compliment
To the strength from him I seek

The Voice of Love

There’s a voice that speaks to each us from deep inside our souls. A quiet unobtrusive voice that has only one request...listen. It is the voice of sympathy in our sorrow, the voice of comfort in our loneliness, the voice of reason in our impetuousness, the voice of calm in our raging anger, the voice of laughter in our sadness, the voice of understanding in our frustration, the voice of clarity in our confusion, the voice of rest in our weariness, the voice of relaxation in our stress the voice of courage in our fear, the voice of giving in our need, the voice of love eternally.

Excuse Me???

Codependent relationships are a bitch! I say this looking from the outside in of course. When I was smack dab in the middle of “them” (took me awhile to catch on) I thought that I was just being nurturing…miserable, but nurturing. I was wrong, plain and simple.

So, how in the hell did I manage to keep choosing guys who were addicted, mentally unstable or just plain emotionally unavailable? Or, were they choosing me? They could see me coming a mile away. I’m convinced that there was a sign on my head written in ink that was only visible to these losers. It said “If you are emotionally unavailable, I’ll take care of you!”

Now, I realize that it had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. My self esteem was in the crapper for years. This sent me on a quest for fulfillment and happiness in a man (like that’s gonna work). “Real” men could sense my desperation and went running for the nearest exit, with me in rapid pursuit. That left me with; you guessed it, guys with big “L’s” on their forehead. Too harsh?? Shall I share what prompted this tirade? An ex-boyfriend, key word here being ex, has been asking for my help lately. He is going through a rough patch but “we” are not. There is no "we". When I got a phone call and told him “No” he wanted an explanation. Excuse me? Since when do I have to have a reason to "just say no?"

Now, at half-a-century old, I hope I’m finally getting it. I propose that the word fulfillment be replaced with “self-fulfillment” since the only real lasting source of fulfillment is self.

What I Know vs. What I Have Been Taught to Believe

As a teacher myself, it’s impossible to impart knowledge into students. We simply condense our experiences along with those of others and gather them for our students to harvest. Eleanor Roosevelt said “Learn from the mistakes of others, you can’t live long enough to make them all yourself"...my mantra. The key word here is “learn”. It is the student’s responsibility to learn. A keen observer, I am a perpetual student…of life. It is important to not only observe but to absorb. To observe is to be outside, to absorb is to go in. It’s the inner learning that leads us to become who we were meant to be. This I know, not from teachers in a classroom, but from life’s encyclopedia. Like the Internet, my questions are queried through my internal search engine. I always get an answer albeit not necessarily what, when or how I expect. We are so amazingly intricate that I believe our bodies innately have everything they need to heal themselves, if we just get out of the way. The same is true about the human soul. We already have the answer to life, we merely need to ask the questions and listen.

Reverence for Life?

Through the stillness that has been "forced" upon me by an aching head I have been graced with an opening through which I have found, quite unexpectedly...a spiritual awakening. Of one thing I am certain, it is only one of many that I will experience while inhabiting this physical body. As a result of my newfound inner consciousness I have found myself with an enhanced outer consciousness as well. Having always been one who appreciates the divine creations surrounding me, I have only recently realized that just using my 5 physical senses was so limiting. It is one thing to stop and smell a rose, gently stroke its soft petals and gaze upon its perfection. It is quite another when its fragrance permeates my soul and velvet petals caress my heart. Much more than an experience it is an immersion. I open my eyes and find my perception altered; before me now appears a reflection of my true essence. Our energy connected, I am speechless with awe. The crimson blossom and I are one. In that brief moment I have been changed. I would no more remove the bloom, taking it with me to selfishly enjoy its splendor. I now leave it where it grows and where it will die, upon its thorny perch. It is an integral part of me and has always been. The difference is in my awareness and I soon discover that carries with it an innate reverence for life.

Now that I am awake I can no longer pretend to be asleep. Then I must ask, "What else in life am I called upon to revere?" Could it be the thorns that pierced my fingers as I drew the rose close or perhaps the ant that just bit the back of my leg as it scrounged around for crumbs? I hear the answer that I already know. Yet, I still find it difficult to accept as I nurse the tiny wound left by the now deceased ant. I left the flower and I squashed the ant. I reacted to the pain it inflicted. Am I not as awake as I thought? Or, does therein lay the fallacy?

What Was I Thinking?

I'm thinking I'm suffering from BA...blog addiction. That's what happens when your mind is full of shit and it's going in so many random directions that you feel like you need to write yet another blog, even though you already have 2 up and that's only here on blogspot. I have others at...um...wait, give me a minute, I'll remember. I've heard of diarrhea of the mouth, but I seem to have constipation of the mind. Maybe I need to increase my fiber. Enough of the crap talk. It scares me that this is supposed to be an introspective introduction. I promise next time it won't stink!

Nessa